I think I join many who love the above quote from Mother Teresa. It often seems fitting for life! I have both good news & bad news about my doctor's appointment. GOOD NEWS--I don't have cancer. I think that's a HUGE plus. BAD NEWS--I'm malnourished--duh--that's what happens when your digestive system sucks! So...now we are moving forward in fixing some sources of the problem. The picture to the left is one of the Lion from the Wizard of Oz. Most of you who know me know that I detest that movie. I have always always been frightened of that dumb witch & those scary flying monkeys. However, the Lion in search of his courage seems a bit fitting right now. Being ill provides a conflict of emotions & insecurities. On one hand I try my best most of the time to protect others & myself from excess worry or fear about the whole situation. I make jokes about it & pretend it is no big deal. I look at people sometimes & can tell what they are thinking, so I feel it is my job to smile & be happy & keep them from worrying anymore. "I'm fine...I'm tough...it's all okay." Don't get me wrong, for the most part I am upbeat--what other way is there to be? Me falling to pieces would help no one & only make the whole situation more difficult on myself. I do, however, have those moments when the unknowns & the frustrations get to me. Instead of admitting them to those I can, I tend to go inward, which isn't always a good thing. I know that I am tough & I will get through this, but I am also finally admitting it isn't always easy. I do love my life & I have wonderful support, & I always felt guilty for being frustrated with being ill or the fact so many people are worse off than I am, but then I have begun to realize those are the steps of dealing with a challenging situation!
I think this is where faith begins to play a role & is also tested...& that is where courage needs to step in & override any emotion that keeps me from my faith. In a conversation with my Aunt today, I realized how scared I actually was. I think in trying to keep everyone & myself upbeat & jolly, I forgot to deal with the emotion of fear that comes along with being sick. Do I still feel guilty for being scared sometimes? ABSOLUTELY! But, I'm realizing I am human & that I cannot help it. Does it overwhelm my life & consume me? NO! But it does exist & I need to be just as honest about those feelings as I am with my feelings of hope & faith. Its what makes us real...its what allows those around me in on something they too feel helpless about. So, I have to say today was both a good & bad day. I hit bottom with emotions, but quickly came to the top when I realized I had needed to hit that bottom. Sometimes it takes those people in our lives who love us to push the right buttons (no matter how painful) to get us where we need to be.
I have to say I am blessed...not many people have doctors that are so dedicated that they call you on a Sunday with results & plans & information. To me, that's amazing. They are not required to take that extra step, but those who do, not only show their abilities as successful doctors, but as compassionate human beings! We are working on the next steps--nutritionist, new medications, & of course, more tests--but at least having some sort of a plan is better than wondering "what next." I know the time has come that whatever needs to be done, needs to happen soon. I also know that means that when it calls for doing something I dread or don't want to do, I must suck it up & do it anyway. My spirits are hanging in there much better than my body. I can tell that I am struggling as I am usually exhausted & feeling quite weak (poor Abby had to deal with me last weekend--I love you Abz--:)) But at least I finally have the courage to admit that to people besides myself! haha.
Not only is there fear in what will happen next physically, but fear in not wanting people to think you are weak, not wanting to be labeled "the sick kid" & my biggest, not wanting to feel like an inconvienence all the time by not feeling well & not being able to be my peppy self all the time. There is a certain sense of humility that comes with being sick. You are forced to accept your limitations. I've also come to realize that at 24 that is a VERY difficult thing to accept. I went from feeling invincible & full of energy with a demanding schedule, to never being able to make plans & having people afraid to ask me for anything because of my energy level. That's quite a hard hit to the gut. I never could figure out why some people who were chronically ill were always worried about being a "burden." I get it now. Even with the most supportive people around you, your own mind & thoughts can take a role & you begin to feel like you are becoming a burden on people's lives with appointments & not feeling well & never knowing what the next day will bring. There is an enormous amount of things that being ill forces you to face. I can imagine that at ANY age they are difficult, but I think being 24 & watching all your friends move forward with careers, families, buying houses, etc. makes it even more difficult when you are still living at home & things are on hold because your body won't allow you to move forward as planned! I get it now! And I hope that I remember all these emotions right now when I'm faced with my own patients who are frustrated & feel as though they too are running & running & getting nowhere. Maybe this all happened for a reason because someday I will have a patient in similar shoes who is going to need me to make that extra phone call on Sunday, who will need that assurance that someone is on their side fighting for them & I am going to know exactly how to do it because I was once in their shoes! Sometimes its hard to hear or to say, but I do know everything happens for a reason. I must admit sometimes I want to knock peoples' heads off when they repeat that to me over & over (haha)--but that doesn't mean I can deny the human emotions that come with it--& I am going to work on holding my head as high as ever, but knowing that its okay to have a few tears now & then!
I can relate to the Lion now...in search for the courage he knows he can have. I'm finding it--even in the little places & little ways--sometimes those are the things that boost you the most. So, maybe one of these days I will get the COURAGE to watch the Wizard of Oz again to see if I still think it is the worst movie ever! haha. I have refused to watch it since I was about 5 years old. I sure would like to remember the Lion's journey a bit better!
So...that's all from here. Life is still good--just learning that it is okay to accept a variety of emotions & to actually share them with those trusted individuals. Our last medical plan did not work as hoped--so, the only thing to do is try again!
I LOVE this card. Its message is invalueable! So since today's efforts failed "I will try again tomorrow."
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